My computer is under attack

I'm preparing for the invevitable break-up with my laptop. Sometimes last week, I turned on my computer and it started doing some funny things. I kept getting messages from Spyware Guard 2008 telling me that it found 29 viruses in my computer and I needed to buy Spyware Guard 2008 to clean it up. First, I kept getting this message every 5 minutes or so, then I realized that there was a Spyware Guard 2008 icon on my desktop. Weird, I don't remember ever downloading this program let alone give it an icon on my desktop. See, having an icon on my desktop is something special, not just for any random freebees. So, at that very moment, my heart stopped, I knew I was invaded! I googled Spyware Guard 2008 and this is what I found:

Spyware Guard 2008 is a new entrant to the family of rogue security software. It is not to be confused with SpywareGuard a fine freeware from Javacool software. Spyware Guard 2008 considerably slows down your computer speed and creates extra pressure on the memory so that wear and tear of equipment, without exaggerations, is multiplied in thousands times.A rogue security software belongs to a family of software products that call themselves as antivirus, antispyware or registry cleaners and often use deceptive or high pressure sales tactics and deliberate false positives to convince users into buying a license/subscription. They are often repackaged and renamed. They do not actually remove malware instead many of them add more malware of their own.

Someone dared to invade my privacy and pose themselves as a Guard and this was really pissing me off! How dare you? How dare you invade my privacy and break up my beautiful relationship with my laptop? I did not do anything to you, I had a special connection with my machine. Her and I go way back, she's been there for me when I had insomnia and couldn't do anything else but browse the internet, she's been there for me when I needed to google some last minute information for research papers that were due the next day, she's always been there for me....She never demanded anything,she was happy and would go green as soon as I put her on. Now, she's being attacked, invaded and there is nothing I can do to save her. I tried deleting the malicious Spyware Program,it didn't let me, I used different antivirus scans, none of them could catch it. Every time I turned my computer on, the Spyware Guard icon would be on my desktop nagging me, showing me that this was now his base and he was here to stay! I haven't turned it on for days now because I don't wanna see this icon smiling at me! I'm gonna try one more thing this week before I call the Geek Squad to bring my laptop and I to where we used to be. In the meantime beware of this rogue, stay away from anything that reads Spyware Guard 2008!