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12/1/08

The Last Tear

For Diali who requested a post while I'm not so inspired so I recycled one of my old poems :)

Today, a girl is shedding her last tear, coz she finally realized the awful truth that she's been missing
No matter how hard she tries, she will never be good enough for him....and her heart is breaking

Her life, her world, her everything drove away without a look back
Since then, all she's been doing is surviving, and a smile is what she lack

She forgot about the saying don’t make anyone your everything
Don’t let them have it all, coz then, when they're gone, you have nothing

As she's laying down on her bed, thoughts are running in her head
As she's crying herself to sleep, she’s blaming herself for the mistakes she made

Because of him, she is lost, confused, hurt, lonely and cant bear anymore the pain
Because of him, she doesn’t ever wanna feel this way again

And as her final tear rests on her pillow, she closes her eyes
And even when she did realize all of his endless lies

She still loved him like the first time they met
That was when she knew that loving him was her fate

She said out loud, as if he could hear her’ You are my Favorite Mistake' with a voice filled of sorrow
And as the moon appears sadly on her window her last tear dried on the pillow.

I just found this poem that I wrote few years ago, and it made me smile. It made me smile knowing that there was a time when I felt so down that I thought my life was over. This was a time where I left someone else decide for me, I left someone else decide of my happiness. And I am smiling today because I am stronger now, because I know I will not let anyone make these choices for me again. Because, I know I owe more to myself. Yes, I went through darkness and hell, because I trusted someone, and I blamed them for my pain, I blame them for my fate, not knowing that I wasn’t ready for love. I wasn’t ready for love because I did not love myself the way I deserved to be loved. And because of that, he did not love me the way I deserved to be loved. It takes time, patience and maturity to realize that. And thanks to Allah, I saw the light again; I was able to smile again. He answered my prayers! He gave me more strength that I could ever dream of and today I am a better person. Today, I am in a loving relationship, and I am not afraid to love anymore. I am not afraid to love myself with all my imperfections. Sometimes, we feel so hurt that we think that God has given up on us while it is all just a blessing in disguise. As of the person who broke my heart few years ago, I thank him for showing me that I was worth better than what he was offering me. Maybe, one day I will tell you the story of how we met and how we came to part away. But for now, just know that I am smiling again. They say that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime and when you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person. He was definitely a reason for a season, not a lifetime. The reason was to give me back my self-confidence after it’s been crushed. Indeed the good thing about being so down is there is nothing you can do but stand back up and keep on going. The season was my-come-back-to-reality-phase, my struggle between letting the girl go and welcoming the dormant woman in me. So reader, who’s your reason? Who’s your season? Who’s your lifetime?

21 comments:

Amina said...

what a beautiful entry!I didn't know you write poems...I write short stories but I haven't in a while.
I've been where you've been but unfortunately I kinda let it crush me. I have serious self-esteem issues and I always tell others you have to love yourself but I have a harder time applying it to myself...
Then I am afraid of love because I associate love with pain. So what do i do? i have electrical fences around me to protect myself. Celui qui s'approche trop va se piquer..lol...

Mina said...

That was so beautful, sad but beautiful...

Love can either destroy you or make you stronger as a person, sadly you do not know when you embark on such a journey.

hijabee said...

Amina,
Yes I write poems and short stories as well. Maybe I will post them on my blog from time to time. Love is a dangerous thing but rewarding when it is done right. You shouldn't be afraid to lvoe because of bad experiences. You will have to break those fences around you and let someone in :)


Amina,
Thanks hun. And you're right, you never know which one it is. All we can do is hope that we made the right choices.

Diali said...

Thanks hijabee for the post, it's a beautiful poem.
I am glad you are able to love again and I am glad you realised that u deserve to be loved the way you think you should be loved.
Some' really weird happened to me, I feel like I know u, we need to connect

muslimahh said...

Beautifully written mashallah.

Empress Anisa said...

Salaam 'Alaikum Sis.... beautiful poem, Mashallah.
I think alot of us have been there to some degree- glad to see you made it out okay and still positive. Some become so jaded and bitter they only seek new relationships to hurt the person who had nothing to do with their pain

hijabee said...

Diali,
NO problemo- Hey, maybe you know me, who knows? lol you can email me @ heejabee@gmail.com if you want to connect

Muslimahh,
Thanks

Empress Anisa,
Waleikum Salam sis. You're right, sometimes we take our frustrations on the wrong person.

Mona said...

Wow, that was so beautiful, you are really very talented hijabee, mashaAllah.

enas said...

that was so beautiful, it made me cry =( I felt it was about us (me and my husband) from my experience, I don't think that love will get affected, especially if it was so strong(God! i love him sooo much, he is the one I chose and the one I need).. But I have no idea of how to put problems behind me as everytime i look at him, i see what he has done to me..I know a wife is a "covering" (libaas) of her husband, but i need help about this porn addiction!! i feel that i should wear the hijab from my side and from his side he should lower his gaze!! i know it's wrong but sometimes i feel i wanna take my hijab off,i know i'm wearing it for God and for myself but i'm really confused..

hijabee said...

Mona,
Thanks sweetie :)

Enas,
Awww I'm sorry to hear about your situation but I'm sure you can work it out. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Have an honest conversation about how what he does make you feel. As far as the hijab is concerned, as you said you're doing it for Allah so don't stop because of your husband's behavior. Two wrongs don't make it right. Always remember that your love for Allah, obedience and connection comes first. You shouldn't compromise your relationship with the Creator . Make duas and ask Him to guide you inshallah, it will be alright.

Ehab said...

but i did I've been living with this since the my first month with him after marriage!! and now it's been a year and four months and i'm only 19 i can't take it anymore..i tried everything, and i don't wanna leave him =(

hijabee said...

Ehab,
I'm sorry to hear this but maybe you should talk to someone, like a marriage counselor or an imam?

enas said...

lol i'm sorry hijabee. it was me enas ..ehab is my husband's name , but maybe he logged in to his Google account before i wrote the comment..anyways thank you so much

hijabee said...

Enas,
No problem. Hope it all works out :)

gazelledusahara said...

great post. Its great to look back on an experience that was "the world" and marvel at how much you've grown because of it/since it.

I really liked your poem

Amina said...

I know..but it's so hard to open yourself to someone..I am just afraid of someone seeing me vulnerable...lol...

hijabee said...

Gazelle,
It sure is :) Life is an interesting adventure :) Thanks.

Amina,
BUt sooner or later you will have to do just that, that's the only way you can be free lol open up and enjoy the ride while it lasts :)

Ms.Unique said...

Masha Allah beautiful poem ..... I too love writing/reading poems and stories though ..... I've always been on gaurd with love matters ....

hijabee said...

Thanks. I would love to read some of your poems and stories :)

Elom said...

In a weird way, I want to thank "that person" for hurting me the way he did. I know I never will, for different reasons, but the main one is that he really doesn't deserve the credit. The experience forced me to grow closer to The Creator, and for that I will always be grateful!

hijabee said...

Elom,
That's way it's called a blessing in desguise :)