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10/7/08

Growing Your Love One Day At a Time !

Sumayyah Meehan gives green-fingered advice for success in the garden of love.

They are Libas (i.e. body cover or screen) for you and you are the same for them
(Surah Al Baqarah: 187)



Entering into the union of marriage is almost like walking into an uncultivated garden. Instead of the garden being full of lush green grass and brightly coloured flowers, it is simply a plot of earth! The garden will remain so until two loving hearts start to work on it with spades, fresh soil and a variety of seeds and saplings. Like a garden, marriage can be cultivated to produce the most gorgeous blossoms through good intentions and tender loving care!

Allah Almighty says in the Holy Qur'an:
And among His signs is this, that He created for you wives that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.
(Surah Al Rum: 21)

Plant the Seeds
When Muslim couples enter into marriage, they begin their married life not knowing much about each other. Many couples make the mistake of simply getting down to the business of married life – cooking, cleaning and earning a wage. The situation itself is so daunting and scary that couples often avoid the vital communication that they need to start their marriage off on the right foot. Communication is the only way to plant the seeds of love in each other's hearts and eventually those seeds will grow into the strongest force of love to cement the union permanently. Both husband and wife should strive to find out everything about their spouse, even the most miniscule details like the name of the bully who terrorized them in school or what their most embarrassing moment was. The tiny details, as you learn them, are the very 'fabric' of the person you have chosen to share your life with. It is through those life experiences that they have come to be the person who they are today.

Remove the Weeds
Like a garden, there is no doubt that marriage is hard work. When two people, no matter how much love they share, are in a confined space together day in and day out, it is only logical that they will have disagreements from time to time. Those disagreements can be about silly things, like who left the cap off the toothpaste, or more serious matters like disciplining children. Regardless of the source, anger and discontentment in marriage (the unwelcome weeds that often sprout up in your otherwise pristine garden!) are to be taken seriously as quite often that can overwhelm a couple, so much so that one or both parties may decide to dissolve the union. Communication, again, is the best way to deal with those pesky marital disagreements. Couples must sit down in the beginning of their marriage and decide how they will handle each other when tempers flare. Will dishes be smashed? Will names and insults be thrown off of razor-sharp tongues? Couples who have been married for years can also sit down and redefine the way they argue. The aim of any argument should be that both viewpoints are expressed in a calm manner. Then the couple should come to a compromise so that both sides feel they have gained minor victories. Marriage is not a dictatorship where one spouse rules over the other. Rather marriage is a partnership where spouses unite for the sake of their families and more importantly for the sake of Allah.

Water Every Day
Like any garden, the seeds of love you worked so hard to plant need daily 'watering'. Without water, the seeds will never grow and existing blooms will shrivel and, eventually, die. The sort of watering that is required in marriage are actions that will build your spouse up rather than tear them down. For example, being grateful to your spouse and showing good manners are excellent ways to increase the love between you. Always remembering to say "Thank You" and showing respect when it is needed will go a long way to make your garden grow. Other ways might include adding a bit of romance to your marriage. Send your spouse a bouquet of flowers at work or fill their pockets with a bunch of heart-shaped candies (preferably not ones that will melt!) with a loving message attached. Being proactive and showering your garden with the vitality of good deeds will result in the success every gardener dreams about!

Don't forget the Fertilizer!
Unfortunately, even if you try everything to make your marital garden grow, it may only result in a few meager buds sprouting through the Earth. In this eventuality, one or both couples need to take immediate action (the fertilizer) to preserve the union of their marriage. Contacting the Wali, a local Imam, or even a Muslim marriage counselor can help couples move past the obstacles that are preventing them from achieving marital bliss and harmony. There is no shame in reaching out for help when a marriage is in distress. All measures must be taken to keep marriages intact, as divorce should always be seen as a last resort.

Lasting love and happiness in a marriage are not things that can be achieved instantaneously. Just like a garden, love needs to be cultivated and cared for lovingly with gentle hands, a kind word and an open heart. So go on, plant the seeds of marital bliss today and insha Allah, you too will enjoy a life filled with the beauty and satisfaction of a blossoming love affair with your spouse.

14 comments:

muslimahh said...

Great post!!!

hijabee said...

thanks muslimah :)

muslimahh said...

Just wanted to let you know I got a warning when I went to your page.

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hijabee said...

muslimahh,

I got the same warning and sent them an email. Apparently my blog was recognized as a spam by the authomatic spam filter on Blogger. The message I got said that sometimes their computer can recognize a legitimate blog as a spam and therefore they have to block it for review. The message also said it would take them 2 business days to review & unblock!

Yasmin said...

As-Salaam Alaikum, I absolutely loved this post. Being a newly married muslim woman, I found it as great advice. Thank you.

hijabee said...

waleikum salam Yasmin. Thank you for your comment. I'm also a newlywed ( less than a year) and I'm still learning a lot about marriage, so we can all learn together inshallah! :)

Habayeb said...

wow....this post is awesome! marriage is wonderful and sacred and definitely needs tending to...but somehow for a single young muslimah like me..it sometimes is scary :S lol i mean as in jitters and all ya know :P

hijabee said...

habayeb,
Trust me, it is scary for every one! I'm married and I still don't know what to expect or what I'm supposed to do some days lol. I guess it's a learning process & it does take time. Inshallah you will get to see it for yourself :)

Yasmin said...

Marriage is always scary and this is my second time at it and I still feel like I have a lot to learn. Every marriage is different and every person is different so you need to manage accordingly. But alhamdulillah it surely is a blessing and a comfort to know that someone is there to love you unconditionally and is willing to work thru all the problems to make things work and still be able to laugh and keep a smile on your face at the end of the day.

hijabee said...

yasmin,
you're very wise! you've defined exactly what marriage feels like!It is a learning process with ups & downs but at the end of the day, it is a great comfort to know that you're not going trhough life alone!

Amina said...

great post :)

ekantona said...

Salam my fellow muslimah,

i love this post very very much. Having been married for almost 6 years to a wonderful man, and have 3 boys (2,3, 5yo), still there's a lot to learn, and your post is definitely helping. I especially loved the "water everyday", and the "don't forget the fertilizers"(needs lots of them) parts. Absolutely right!

Thanks,
azlina

*~Ange~* said...

beautiful... such a sweet guidance for marriage

hijabee said...

ekantona,

Yes it is a field you have to water daily and fertilizers are a must ~

ange,
Thanks :)