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11/10/08

Silly arguments

I am not bipolar but I live a bipolar life, ups and downs, lows and highs. One minute I am happy, one minute he pisses me off and it ruins my day. Like this morning, he comes in the bathroom while I'm in the shower, I was done, so I opened the shower curtain, got out while he's in the bath tub.

Him: Close the shower curtain
Me: Just close it for me, its 2 inches from you
Him: No you opened it, you close it
Me: Will it kill you to close it, it's 2 inches from you? What's wrong with your hands?
Him: Why can't you close it?
Me: I don't have time for this, It's 8:00 am and we're arguing about a shower curtain just because you don't wanna close it yourself~
Him: Am I wrong for asking you to close it?
Me: we have 2 bathrooms, how about you just use the other one when I'm in this one?~ Left

At this point, I was losing it. You might think that this was really an immature argument, and the truth is that's what's pissing me off. Him is my husband. Mind you, we have 2 bathrooms, but he doesn't want to use the other bathroom, his reason: it's too cold in there. Mind you, the other bathroom is bigger than the one in the room. Mind you, he always wants to get in the bathroom when I'm using it. If I lock the bathroom, he will knock for me to open it instead of using the other BIG bathroom. Before the shower curtain incident, I was in a great mood, everything was fine and merry. Now, because of a shower curtain, I will be pissed all day. I left the house angry at how stupid the argument was, and of course I will get there tonight in the same mood! I can be happy all day and something silly like this happens, and it will ruin my whole day. Him and I, we never have big arguments, we never have major issues, we fight over little things over and over. ~The tv is too loud, No it's not too loud~ Im turning the heat on, No don't turn it on it's hot~I like the couch facing east, no I want it facing west.....Ups and downs, lows and highs, that's the story of my life.Some days, I wonder if marriage is for me, maybe I'd be better off alone.....

33 comments:

Umm Travis said...

Oh sis :( I know what you mean. The best thing to do though is try to think like a problem solver - at first it is impossible, but SOMEONE has to give, you know? So try to just talk to him, if it is a constant issue about the bathroom, tell him what you want or what you expect. Like designate bathrooms or something... I dont know how long you have been married, but the first couple years are like this - mine still is (not quite two years yet)... and the only thing I know is to try to change it yourself. Men are childish anyways, so *we* have to think ahead - like when u r not angry, I mean, how to avoid the same problem from happening.

Ok, well I said a lot, the truth is, we just eventually mellow out. SO try to learn now, and subhanAllah, I think this is why marriage is half our deen - its so freakin hard!

hijabee said...

Umm Travis,
We've only been married for 5 months~And you're right, someone has to give in, but in our case noone wants to. About the bathroom, if we want to have designated bathrooms, then he will ask me to use the other bathroom and I want to use the bathroom in the rooom coz its more convenient and all my stuff is there anywayz while he only has 2 things in there lol.
Marriage is very very hard! I wonder how people do it for 20, or 50 years. Its just hard to live with someone else especially when you are opposites like we are.Love is definetely not enough

Amina said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
muslimahh said...

My husband gets irritated when I "react" to his driving. I can't help it...I get scared!! I'm rarely the passenger so when I am I can't help but keep an eye out. His car is messed up right now so I picked him up last night from work. The whole way home he was freaking out about everything! Hey! Slow down! Stop! Don't hit them! Girl, it DROVE ME CRAZY! Moral of the story...men make no sense and we have to learn to live with it! :)

No but really, my husband and I have only been married what 8 or 9 months now and we go through the same things. I think its just a stage all marriages go through (at least I hope it is!). :) :)

ModestDiva said...

i've been married 8 years this november ad let me tell u that these little things never change! we constantly argue over the little things, plus now that we hav kids the arguments r more frequent!

but the thing i always keep in mind these days just after we hav our arguments is that there r these random happy moments that come along all on a sudden which completely obliterate wipe away all the anger!

the thing that annoys me abt my hubby is his loud gargling n coughing in the bathrooom!!!!

Anisah said...

Salam alaykom !!
I am SOOOOO glad to have stopped by !!
I am not the only one !! lol YAY... well not really YAY..but u get me ;)
let's see I have been married for a few years..but only actually living with my hubby since end of may...only 6 mths !! feels like eternity..heheh.. we have these little fights too..I feel they are like power struggles.. ya know?

the driving thing.. oh ya ,,,,, same here.. plus I think the men seem to be threatened...like it's a blow to their pride and they MUST control the situation and not back down...

are u sisters converts? or maybe diff. cultures that ur husbands?
I'm Canadian and he is Moroccan.

hijabee said...

Amina,

You're right, it's living with someone that's hard. People like the way they live and don't want to adjust to a new one, they come with their habits,characters, and wants! By living together, it all clashes and sometimes, it's not pretty :)

Muslimahh,
It's funny! That's exactly how my husband is about the driving thing. Reason why I did not want to drive with him being in the car anymore. He acts like I'm blind or retarded: there is a red light, don't miss the stop sign, there are people crossing grrrrrrrrrrrr gets on my nerves!

Modestdiva,
Now, I'm scared!Because I sure don't want to live like this forever. On another note, yes the happy times make up for the bad ones but the constant arguing just gets on my nerves.

hijabee said...

Anisah,

No, you're not alone. When my best friend and I talk,we feel the same way! Our situations are very similar. People say it gets better after 2 years, and that the first 2years are the hardest in a marriage. I hope they're right

Mina said...

Awww cheer up hun, im sure its juz a phase, your bound to see the persons habits and other stuff that annoy you when you live together and ppl are always saying you really get to know the person when you move in together:)

But I would think its harder when two people are alike, they probably cant agree on the same thing and wont give in first...all realtionships need hard work and commitment so keep trying and hang in there, ALLAH knows best:)
And we are all here for you.

Habayeb said...

ok, me is gonna enjoy my bachelorette life(is it a word? :P) days while I can..I mean ofcourse i can even after i marry but for now....ill chill being a singleton..these days sure wont come back anyway!

Yasmin said...

Girl I know exactly how u feel. Ive been married a little over a month and I seem like Im bipolar or something. Living with someone you have never lived with before is soo hard. Sometimes it drives me absolutely nuts, but I try to compromise as much as I can. Even though I wanna say something soooo bad, I hold my tongue just to avoid a problem. Ive finally learned how to do that, its not easy but Im getting there. Ive gotten mad over the littlest things and then after everything was said and done, I think back and think how stupid I was to get mad over something so small. But u live and u learn right?

Mona said...

It's hard. Especially in the beginning. The silly arguments drive me crazy because it's like, Really? we're fighting about this? We all feel like giving up sometimes but, I'll tell you this. Shaytan loves to separate marriages and sometime those thoughts are his whispers.

hijabee said...

Mina,
Thanks for the support. A lot of hard work and commitment is needed. You got that right :)

Habayeb,
Honey, you better enjoy those days :)

Yasmin,
I need to learn to hold my tongue, that's gotta be one of the hardest things for me.

Mona,
That's exactly how I feel

Amina said...

I am loving reading all the comments of everyone :)
so is there a solution? just try to navigate the arguments ? or still try to impose his views or hold your tongue?
You're so right. It is difficult to live with anyone period.
Everyone has their own habits and want to keep them that way...

I can relate to the driving. In Senegal and Zimbabwe, my brother and I used to fight all the time over who gets to drive and he always acted as if I am going to kill him...euh...who got the license first? me...
who is the better driver? me...lol..
aah..les hommes...ils pensent vraiment que femme au volant= mort au tournant
bisous

Hijabi Apprentice said...

Salaams! I have been married for 15 months and there definitely is the "breaking in" period. I have chosen to just choose by battles and not be as uptight as I used to be. Sometimes even if I'm right (aren't WE always right?lol) I just bite my tongue. I have to say this is extremely hard and I'm not always successful but for my own mental health this is what I strive for.

Oh I NEVER drive when my husband is in the car even though his driving is much more *ahem* colourful than mine.

AidaSouka said...

Hum I'm not fluent in english so je vais faire mon commentaire en francais.
tout d' abord Hijabee j'ai decouvert ton blog il n' y a pas longtemps et je le lis( le dechiffre a cause de l' anglais) avec plaisir.
dans un de tes billets précédents tu parlais des diffucultés du mariage. celles qu' on avait appréhendé et les "surprises".il ya 2 choses pour moi qui se confondent : le mariage et vivre avec qq1. et les 2 vont de paire. le mariage c'est un dessein que l' on chérit et qui fit que l' on essaye de faire de son mieux tous les jours et il ya la vraie vie, le quotidien, les humeurs et le fait que l'on ne vit plus seule. et ce quotidien la il est epuisant car un rien suffit comme tu le decrit ici a pourrir une journée, une humeur, une ambiance. je ne pense pas qu' il y a de vraiment petites choses. il faut savoir discuter de ces choses tout en n' oubliant pas le dessein que nous avons: vivre heureuse avec son conjoint. il y a bcp de chose qui peuvent irriter. et a la longuer plomber un mariage. tu sais ( je peux te tutoyer au fait?) , il m' arrive de voulir hurler tellement mon mari fait des "petites" choses qui m'exaspere. au depart je paratis du fait qu' il faut parler de tout, communiquer... mais je me suis rendu compte que pour qu' un message soit optimiser, il faut choisr le moment et la maniere. yess c'est dur sur le coup de ravaler son agacement et de faire comme si de rien n'étais mais je te jure que pendant ces moment je pense a tout ce qui fait que je l' aime et que je suis mariée avec lui. je temporise alors sur le coup mais jamais, je ne me couche sans etre revenue sur le sujet epineux. generalement c'est dans la soirée, quand tout le monde est detendu que je lui en parle. etant reputée tres "demarrage au quart de tour" cette nouvelle stratégie le surprend et il sait que je fais des efforts et lui aussi , il en fait de son coté. un peu de chacun et bcp des deux , ca peut resoudre les "petits" soucis du quotidien. autre chose que je fais c'est que quand je sens que la moutarde me monte au nez, je prend un grande inspiration et je me tais. mis purée c'est dur de trouver le juste milieux entre experssion de son ressenti et mutisme. mais j'ai appris qqch au coure de ma jeune experience d'epouse. la force ou etre vindicative c'est une "arme " puissante dont il ne faut pas abuser surtout pour le quotidien. il faut la reserver pour les occasions speciale de sujet tres tres importants.

donc il faut parlez, discuter, certes , mais juste ce qu' il faut pour que le quotidiens soit plus agréable.

j'ai été longue et j'espere pas trop boring!

Empress Anisa said...

Salaam Hijabee :-) well, I've been married for 6 years now and yes, you do spend alot of time when you argue, over the silliest things imaginable!
I used to have that problem- he's the quite one and I HAVE to have to LAST WORD so you know that's trouble- he thought I was crazy! Now I don't talk too much- I usually say something smart-alecky and then walk away or I just him "the glare" which is worse- he goes bonkers!
All in all, as they say, men are from mars- women are from venus... we as male and female will never see eye to eye- we're just too different.
The big word: "compromise"- easier said than done (I know believe me) but work at it- as time goes on, it'll get easier.
And by the way, most men argue with you because they know it'll "irk" you- try the "I don't care to listen" and walk away approach... maybe he won't bother to argue as much (worked for some of my friends) :-o

Empress Anisa said...

Hijabee-

Oh yeah sis, maybe you would like to invest in that book, "men are from mars, women are from venus" any Barnes & Noble should have it- was a huge seller when it came out in the 90's... or they order it.

*~Ange~* said...

or maybe its just the guy. dont blame marriage - blame your relationship. blame ALL relationships.. living with someone constantly gets on everyones nerves. its expected.

struggling said...

ack don't get me started. But I have to disagree with Ummtravis on this one, I don't think it gets easier with time. I think the early years of marriage are the most blissfull. I've been married for 4 years and it's slowly gotten harder and the other sister is right children just add more things to argue about. I'm wondering of those "blissful" years will ever return

Amina said...

desolee...j'ai efface mon commentaire precedent car sur le coup, je ne me suis pas rendue compte que j'avais ecrit le prenom de mon frere et c'est pas tres sympa de l'exposer ainsi...donc voici la nouvelle version

wow!!
Thank you for this insight on marriage..je suis tres pudique et ca me flippe que quelqu'un entre dans la salle de bains alors que je suis la dedans...lol..
en tout cas bon courage.Moi aussi je suis comme toi je ne cede pas!

les disputes que j'ai eu avec mon frere quand on vivait ensemble m'ont marque: entre la vaisselle, la tele, l'ordinateur, la bouffe, c'etait a ne pas finir...
j'adore vivre seule..lol...
mais bon comme tu dis le mariage n'est pas facile et c'est pour cela que le post que tu avais ecrit auparant sur les conseils du mariage sont importants :)

Amina said...

ah oui et je voulais aussi dire que j'aime bien la perspective de aidasouka.
Elle est valable pour toute relation car souvent quand on est enervee(surtout moi) on risque de dire quelque chose de blessant
tres bonne discussion hijabee:)

hijabee said...

hijabi apprentice,
Thanks for your input! I guess I need to learn to fight my own battles as well :)

aidasouka,
Merci pour ta perspective tres enrichissante! I will follow some of your advice :)

Empress Anissa,
The funny thing is my husband bought that book few months ago so we could understand each other better, but we never finished reading it lol.

Struggling,
I guess thats why marriage is half of our deen, it is a constant struggle.

Amina,
yOur poor brother, lol :) But thanks for your perspective too. We all learn from each other.

Diali said...

I can definitely relate to all you said. And I can also assure you that it gets better with time. I have been married for about 1 year and a half, and I cried so so much the first 6 months. My hubby was so lost and did not know how to help us get over the silly arguments. And we both are so hard headed :).As much as I loved my dear hubby, we would argue over the stupidest things. It sure is a right of passage and you will learn so much from each other. You will also learn to compromise and choose your battles. I am so happy now, we still argue about stupid things but it usually end with us laughing at each other over the stupid arguments.
Ca ira inchallah (I noticed you speak french)
J'ai lu ton blog d'un trait, de long en large et j'adore.

hijabee said...

diali,
Thanks for stopping by, reading my and commenting :)I appreciated the tips too and hopefully mine will get better! I will work on choosing my battles :)

abdullah said...

I'm a man and married, a Malaysian bro. of 27. Let me be honest with you, as I can see, you said you don't like to retreat when he demands this or that. For example, who will close the shower curtain. My dear and withd ue respect, knowing that he nugs about such trivial things, if he said "close it", then you just do it. It is not a BIG deal, then follow it with a big kiss and a pinch. Lol! I'm sure he will love it. My dear sis, I'm a man and I can tell you what men are made of. Look, the more you accomodate him not slavishly but with love, his anger, pettiness and negative competition will subside. Remember,


"Nor can goodness and Evil be equal. Repel (Evil) with what is better: Then will he between whom and thee was hatred become as it were thy friend and intimate! And no one will be granted such goodness except those who exercise patience and self-restraint,- none but persons of the greatest good fortune." (Quran 41: 34-35)

Try to change him (plus change yourself) when you have intimate moments like when you are playing in bed, (if you do), just tell him, "Mr Hijabee, I hate you, I hate you...then jump on him, going all over his body and planting kisses on him). As he "feels it", release your grouses to him while your hands on his chin and say something like this: "Mr Hijabee, you know what, you don't feel for me, I used to think you are the only one on earth but you don't care for me. Like today in the morning, you pushed me to that ...etc. And then add something like this: "But anyway, it is ok, I think as a Muslimah, I'm competing for the grace of Allah (swt), so I want to beat you to His Gardens by being more patinent, accomodative and caring than you." As he listens and looks and feels your tight hands, tell him: "But still I pray for you too and may Allah make it the best for us. Amin." Then nudge him, "Darling...say Amin too." Amin. Then the kisses and the laughter and the pinching and the tickling and the throwing of the pillows etc. Always, try to read a bit of the Quran and also pull towards that road without nudging him as men are stupidly proud even to God. Finally, don't pick a fight with him and just don't ignore him as well. Men including me are very stupid, and when you ignore us, we go bonkers. If I were you, when he said close the curtain, I would have done and gave him a "lovely" slap and said: "Mr Hijabee, you are naighty and mean...but that's why Like you, he he). Do you get me? Make him understand the higher purpose of life. If you have given him your body, why not give him your mouth? I mean talk to him nicely when it matters. And do that when you have heated him up. Men love it and can be conquered that way. You can heat him and then let him in the air and when demands it, you say with utmost care though: "Darling...1st of all, would you care for my feelings and take care of me?" "You know you made me cry today" "Do you need to humiliate your wife?" Having done that, don't humiliate him by rejecting him, ignoring him, preaching to him too much, picking fights with him and trying to be in a competition. I pray for you and Allah swt will make it easy for you all. Wasslam

hijabee said...

Abdallah,
Lollllllllll. Thank you for your comment! It really made me laugh in a good way :)This has got to be the best comment ever! I will try to follow your advice:) It will be hard but hey I will try.I'm sure Mr. Hijabee will be thrilled :) Hopefully you treat Mrs.Abdallah the same, lol :)

abdullah said...

Hijabee,

Yes, I treat Mrs Abdullah that way and better, but she "reformed" me in a sense that she won over me and now I'm smitten by her and I try to make the happiest person on earth despite marriage life being one of trials. You said, you will try "though it may be difficult." I hate that part my dear sis, bcoz I don't want a Muslim house to come down due to petty arguments and an anger that wasn't contained. The advice that I gave to you is from a MAN who knows these things and have been on the road. So you better "fulfill" them insha' Allah for happy marriage. Pliz don't feel arrogant or shy in either way, which seems to be either one. For one, a man is naturally proud thus stupid. You conquer him through simple but devastating ways like what I have listed. I'm telling you this bcoz I'm a man who used to love arguments and I used to cherish them till the end, when I married and picked petty arguments with my wife threatening that "I don't want throwback responses and competition", she felt suffocated and I could see it. However, Me too didn't enjoy the prospect but bcoz of my arrogance which has no almost disappeared, I refused to compromise and insisted on my way or the highway. After this, she conquered me and I surrendered. Now, we conquer each other and life is almost "perfect" for us, Alhamdulillah! So my dear sis, I'm begging you and again begging you, we need to protect every Muslim house as our strength, sanity and humanity starts from the family bastion. Destroying a Muslim house is destroying Muslims in a big way and you know how disastrous it is today all over the world. Try what I have listed bit by it and then I assure you things will be fine. Pliz don't feel arrogant or shy, pliz. Doing what I have listed is being charitable and I'm sure yoy are hungry for God's grace and mercy. It shouldn't be fleeting, momentary and one time, repeat it till he surrenders and changes his ways insha' Allah. You will enjoy both and we will pray for you. Allahuma Amin. I intend to hear from you "have far you taken that raod and solved it." Love you all in Him.


Wassalam

abdullah said...

It should be now disappeared and "no disappeared" as I have writen. Also at the end, it shud be "how and not have" taken that road.

Sorry! I was in a hurry.

hijabee said...

Abdullah,
Thank you for the advice. May Allah reward you for your niyah and with His help I will be able to follow your advice, fight my ego and shaytan. Inshallah it will all work out!

Halal Honey said...

Lol, Abdullah your comments put a big smile on my face!!:) Good advice mashAllah.

Anonymous said...

Sister it seems you and your dh have some deep rooted issues. I make Du'a that Allah rectifies your situation...ameen.

Diali said...

Abdulahh, thanks for the advice.I have been married for a year and a half and learned a lot from your comments. May Allah reward you and Mrs Abdulah, and bless all of our marriages including Hijabee's and all of the sisters who read this blog
Jazakallah